It’s not an easy topic for me.
But it is what I’m living with day after day. And in my naivete I thought it would be easier.
Not that being pregnant now isn’t a blessing. Not that it isn’t exciting and wonderful and anticipatory. It is. And I thank God for it.
But it’s also scarier. Like the shine has come off of the penny. And it’s more real– less myopic, if that makes any sense.
Strangely enough the easiest person to talk to about the new baby is my 5-year-old daughter Eliza. Probably because every single time we talk about the new baby in mommy’s tummy, when we end, she always finishes up by saying, “if this one doesn’t die.”
All our plans and hopes and speculation may happen, “if this baby doesn’t die.” She couldn’t be more right. She acknowledges and actually speaks out loud what I am thinking most of the time and don’t have the guts to say.
Plus, by saying, “if this baby lives,” she is remembering the baby who didn’t live. Not many people do that. I’m sure it would be a hard thing to do, if you’re a friend. But, I’ll speak for myself when I say, remembering matters. It’s validating, albeit sad, to fill out a form at the doctor that lists this pregnancy as my 5th, even though, if/when this baby is born it will be my 4th child to bring home. It’s validating, because, at least in some small clinical way, it’s remembering.
Remembering with words matters. Speaking things out loud matters.
What a gift to me that Eliza gets it. And what a gift that she isn’t taking this new one for granted. She doesn’t pray for it to be a girl or a boy. She just prays that he or she will live (although, without realizing it she’s started to refer to the baby as “her”).
I pray the same thing as Eliza. And I spend a lot of time praying that God would make me treasure Him so much, that somehow, if I lost another, I would grab hold of Him in the darkness, and be willing to trust that He is good. Again.
Tomorrow is my 16 week checkup. This baby is more than twice as old as the last one lived to be. What an impact those short weeks of life and subsequent death had on me. They have made me more thankful and less entitled about the past 16 weeks of new life.
Romans 8:18
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed in us.”
Words often fail, but we do remember. Your written thoughts will provide comfort to others. Eliza is a treasure, to be sure. God has provided and will provide comfort in his own way and time and for that I’m thankful.
I agree; my pregnancy that ended with a miscarriage seems more validated when my kids remember and talk about it. They sometimes talk about how the baby is with Grandma and Grandpa in heaven . . . I like that.
Dear Abigail,
What a beautiful way of describing the emotions and turmoil of your loss. God is good. Hope the little tree helps.
Love,
Dad
Yes, remembering does matter. I understand your extra-sensitivity with this pregnancy. I wish you a healthy 40 weeks.
Happy for you, and praying for you…
Abigail, thanks for sharing! On a geographical note, I am originally from Mt. Pleasant, and on a personal note, I am old enough to be your mother! Anyway, I understand your thoughts! I had 2 boys, then 2 miscarriages, then 2 girls, and then a bonus boy! When I lost the second baby, I told the Lord that I thought I had already had my turn! However, a verse in Proverbs, in LB , The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps has so encouraged me over the past couple of years. At the time of my second loss, Psa 85:12a “Indeed the Lord will give what is good”, helped me to trust Him that He would do what is best for my life. Keep us posted on how things are going!
Congratulations being sent and rememberence too! How sweet that the innocence of children and their childlike faith remind us of our creator’s plan for life and for each of us! Thanks for sharing your life through this blog. You are a blessing to all who read this and all who know you!
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