I haven’t written here for a long time, but today I have too many words for a social media micro-post.
My reasons for writing are two-fold: 1) to update folks who love Titus and care about our family and 2) to reflect on Christ’s resurrection while my son is unconscious, intubated, with nodes all over his head and IVs in both arms lying in an ICU bed.
First, the practical update. Titus has been having more seizures this year. He’s had three in the last 8 weeks. This morning I was up early getting a special breakfast ready and everyone was sleeping soundly. By 7:30am, everyone was up and going except for Titus, which is a little unusual, but not unheard of. When he did wake up, he told me from his bed that he needed to throw up. Again, that’s not unheard of and doesn’t mean he’s sick–he throws up a fair amount from any kind of agitation in his mouth. Tom checked on him and he seemed to go back to sleep which is more unusual. I checked on him about 10 minutes later, at 8am, and he was having a seizure and there was vomit all over.
We gave him his emergency meds and they seemed to help a little, but he was still seizing, just in a more mild way, if that makes sense. We called the nurse line and determined we should stay home for now. By 8:40 he fell asleep, but still seemed to maybe be seizing while he slept? It was hard to tell. In a great juxtaposition, while he was on the couch sleeping (seizing?), the kids were all wearing their most cheerful, best clothes, enjoying homemade croissants and danishes, a fancy table, and Keith Green’s The Easter Song. I made my coffee while one of the kids stayed by Titus. I was thinking to myself that if he recovered quickly, he and I might still be able to join the rest of the family at my parents later in the afternoon.
At 9am he woke up and was in a full on seizure–clearly not doing so well (lips were blue, skin pale). We called the nurse line again and they told us to bring him to the ER. Tom and I got him loaded in the car–me in the backseat with Titus, carefully holding his head. When we arrived, his oxygen wasn’t good, so it was pretty hectic with nurses and doctors having to talk extra loud with masks and repeat themselves over and over (that is one irritation I have with masks in the hospital–it is very difficult to communicate quickly and clearly–and when it’s an emergency situation, it matters).
After a bit of time trying to get the seizure stopped and get his breathing better, they decided he’d have to be intubated and sedated. As we walked from the ER floor to the ICU floor, the doctor noted that he’d been seizing for three hours, or perhaps off and on (but mostly on) for three hours. So, here we are–he’s getting an overnight EEG to watch for seizure activity and an MRI tomorrow morning.
The strange dissonance of the morning’s celebratory music, decadent food, and my royal blue dress bursting with flowers set against my little boy’s blue lips and pale face, his convulsing body and soiled clothes, has been swirling in my mind all day. Who is the real Jesus? Is he robed in purple, feasting, conquering, and triumphing? Or is he lowly and despised–body broken, blood spilled, rejected by men? It’s not that hard of a question really. We all should know the answer is yes. He is both. If you try to have one without the other, you do not have Jesus as he’s revealed himself in the Scripture–but a figment of your mind–a delusion of your own desires. Some only want lowly Jesus–a validation of their sorrows. Some only want triumphant Jesus–a validation of their successes.
Yet, even for those of us who refuse to pigeon hole Jesus into either the Suffering Servant only or the Triumphant Savior only, those who seek to uphold all he says he is–the Lion and the Lamb, the Warrior and the Peacemaker and everything else he is–it can be difficult to live in that tension with our feet on the ground. It’s bizarre to hear the click of your fancy high-heeled church shoes echo down the halls of the hospital while you follow behind your son’s gurney and keep checking the machine that is breathing for him. It’s strange to sit by a hospital bed with flowers bursting off the dress that covers your lap–intended as a celebration of the new life found in Christ–while your son’s life is so fragile.
But, I don’t want it any other way. Meaning, I want the real Jesus. I want him on his terms. I’ve tried him on mine and he’s impotent, because he isn’t real–not the real God-man who lived 2000 years ago and died and was raised to life. I want Jesus as he is revealed from Genesis to Revelation–the Maker of all things, foretold, foreshadowed, and finally appearing. The One who had everyone on their heels time and again, because He spoke with authority–of course he did–he was and is the Author. I want the Risen and Reigning Christ who is, right now, seated at God’s right hand, putting all his enemies under his nail-scarred feet. I want the life in Christ that Paul had, “as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.” (2 Cor 6:10). Don’t you want that? Don’t you want him? Don’t you want a steadfast and sure hope and anchor for the worst days?
Spending Resurrection Sunday in this ICU room with my son is terrible. But also, glorious. And it can be both of those things, because Jesus is Lord over it all. Over disease and death, over sunrise and sunset, over hopes deferred and hopes fulfilled, over celebrations and lamentations. Why? Because the Lord is risen. The Lord is risen, indeed.
What an amazing testimony of faith to have written at such a time. Your words are beautiful and powerful, and speak of the Saviour in all his multi-faceted beauty and holiness.
Prayers for you all, that the Lord will put his arms around you and carry you through these troubles.
Praying for you and your family, Abigail. Praying for Titus. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I can’t imagine how difficult this day has been for your family. The counterintuitive wonder of suffering combined with triumph is a true reflection of Easter — thanks for helping us to see it so vividly. I’m praying for Titus and your family!
He is risen indeed, and the power of his resurrection surely is manifest in believers like you and your family. Praying for healing grace.🙏
Thank you for sharing, Abigail. We are praying for Titus, and for you all we you walk with him.
As, not we…
Dear Abigail, my heart goes out to you and little Titus and the rest of your family. May the Almighty carry you all through this time in His Everlasting Arms and bring you safely through. Amen.
Lifting you, Tom, Titus and the rest of your family in prayer.
Praying for you and your family.
Abigail, your faith through these words is so evident, and yet I know that doesn’t take away the pain of seeing Titus struggling. I am praying for you all right now, for your precious boy to continue to make us all marvel.
Beloved Abigail: SOLI DEO GLORIA!!! Thank you for sharing your testimony.
All the glory to our sovereign Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for his wonderful work in your life and your family.
I pray for you, for Titus, for your other children, for your husband. I pray that the Lord will strengthen you, renew you, and the peace of him that passes all understanding be your inseparable companion every minute, every day for eternity.
«And the God of all grace, who called you unto his eternal glory in Christ, after that ye have suffered a little while, shall himself perfect, establish, strengthen you. To him be the dominion for ever and ever. Amen.» 1 Peter 5:10-11
I send you my love in Christ, precious sister.
A big hug from Córdoba, Argentina.
He aquí que yo soy Jehová, Dios de toda carne; ¿habrá algo que sea difícil para mí? Jeremías 32:27.
Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh; is anything too hard for me? Jeremiah 32:27.
I am praying for your precious Titus. Thank you for your words of hope in your moment of heartache and chaos. I am so grateful. Thank you Father!
Oh Abigail—powerful words tonight as Resurrection Day comes to a close here in Denver, CO—He shows us the way every day. Praying for Titus and all of you. Much love. Sandy Kuka
Thank you for your deep expression of faith and hope in the joy and suffering. Such a profound testimony. I am praying for Titus and for your family.
Thank you for your post. I’ll be praying for you all!
I will be praying for Titus and all of you.
These words are such a beautiful offering from the trenches, Abigail, exhorting each one of us to see Christ more clearly today. We are covering your family in prayer as you wait for answers.
Praying for your family!
My heart is caught in my throat from your words that are a beautiful testimony of His grace to meet us where we’re at. To make things clear, really clear. Thank you for sharing. I am praying for Titus. ❤️
Hi Sis, I have said a prayer for you and your family and do believe that this attack on Titus will bring a great testimony in Christ for your family. May His stripes provide complete healing and restoration, I applaud your strength, faith, wisdom and hope around this time. The tomb is empty and that hospital bed will soon be empty as Titus rises up to go home with no more seizures as I nail them on the Cross of Grace.
You have a pure heart that feels and believes, I have no doubt that our Father has heard all the prayers and answered.
Love and peace from South Africa
I can’t imagine what you’re going through & yet, your faith has been incredibly displayed by your hope & trust in our powerful, Sovereign God.. Who gave everything to rescue us.
Thank you for your beautiful post. It speaks powerfully to me heart. Praying for your dear son, Titus
Beautifully written testimony of what The Lord is teaching through this trial. This is what the world needs to hear. Thank you. We are praying all of you through this time ❤️
Oh, Abigail. Your words are beautiful, and Christ-exalting. Praying for God’s mighty hand in your boy’s life. And for the peace of Christ to continue to reign over your heart.
Dear Abigail…thank you for serving us with your gifted writing in the middle of your suffering; thank you for pointing us to our suffering and triumphant Savior. May the Lord’s nearness be your good during this difficult time. Praying for you!
Your meditation beautifully articulated the truth of living in the tension of today. The pain and suffering in my life looks very different, but the need to embrace All of who Jesus is, the same.
Lord have mercy and pour out your healing power over Titus and in our hearts and minds.
Praying for your son, you and your family. It was two trips to the ER with my son this weekend, and it made me more appreciative of a resurrected Savior as well.
A Wonderful post. Your compilation is excruciatingly true and so spectacular. Your realization of Christ in our lives and how the reality of life on earth is perceived in different way is so true. I do not think I had such a clear view of what you detail and I know more clearly understand my own perceptions. Thank you Abigail for sharing part of your being at such a stressful time. We pray for your child and for you. May God Bless you both.
Abigail, I am praying for Titus and all of your family. May the Lord continue to sustain, strengthen, and comfort you. Praying for healing.
Praying for Titus, you, and your family.❤️🙏
Praying for sustaining grace for all of you right now . He is near.
Your blog and life is so powerful. Thank you for being so transparent and letting God shine through you and your family. How is Titus doing? I’ve been praying.