It’s not an easy topic for me.
But it is what I’m living with day after day. And in my naivete I thought it would be easier.
Not that being pregnant now isn’t a blessing. Not that it isn’t exciting and wonderful and anticipatory. It is. And I thank God for it.
But it’s also scarier. Like the shine has come off of the penny. And it’s more real– less myopic, if that makes any sense.
Strangely enough the easiest person to talk to about the new baby is my 5-year-old daughter Eliza. Probably because every single time we talk about the new baby in mommy’s tummy, when we end, she always finishes up by saying, “if this one doesn’t die.”
All our plans and hopes and speculation may happen, “if this baby doesn’t die.” She couldn’t be more right. She acknowledges and actually speaks out loud what I am thinking most of the time and don’t have the guts to say.
Plus, by saying, “if this baby lives,” she is remembering the baby who didn’t live. Not many people do that. I’m sure it would be a hard thing to do, if you’re a friend. But, I’ll speak for myself when I say, remembering matters. It’s validating, albeit sad, to fill out a form at the doctor that lists this pregnancy as my 5th, even though, if/when this baby is born it will be my 4th child to bring home. It’s validating, because, at least in some small clinical way, it’s remembering.
Remembering with words matters. Speaking things out loud matters.
What a gift to me that Eliza gets it. And what a gift that she isn’t taking this new one for granted. She doesn’t pray for it to be a girl or a boy. She just prays that he or she will live (although, without realizing it she’s started to refer to the baby as “her”).
I pray the same thing as Eliza. And I spend a lot of time praying that God would make me treasure Him so much, that somehow, if I lost another, I would grab hold of Him in the darkness, and be willing to trust that He is good. Again.
Tomorrow is my 16 week checkup. This baby is more than twice as old as the last one lived to be. What an impact those short weeks of life and subsequent death had on me. They have made me more thankful and less entitled about the past 16 weeks of new life.
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed in us.”